Be Okay with the Gray

May 17, 2023

Today’s Takeaway: Acknowledging that there will be questions in your journey and then working through the gray on a daily basis are key to embracing the peace that God truly has to offer you in the middle of your chronic illness.

Due to the complex nature of our symptoms and our diagnoses, those of us who struggle with chronic illness typically have a long, running list of doctors that we have seen in the past or that we see regularly. My list currently includes six active physicians and a host of others that were crossed off at some point because they just weren’t listening or working on my behalf, or because they wanted to throw a bunch of pills at me without figuring out what was actually going on in my body.  Some were absolutely content with the fact that their particular training, which in my opinion kept their thinking inside the box of their specialty, was not answering the big questions that were plaguing my physical health on a daily basis.

Big questions on the journey of chronic illness are a big deal.  They come from those doctor’s appointments and test results, of course, but they also come from the ins and outs of our everyday life.  Big questions actually—believe it or not, if you have just started your journey– become the norm.  It has taken me a terribly long time to learn this.  I am a self-professed black and white thinker; however, autoimmune issues, mysterious symptoms and undiagnosed conditions over the years have helped me to accept that there is so much gray.   My ability to understand, acknowledge and accept that the gray is probably here to stay has been key to, only so far as it has merged with my Christian faith, being able to cope with my illness.

As we flesh this out today and unpack our big takeaway, I want to discuss the different types of question marks that encompass this journey called chronic illness.

First, question marks can come in the form of mis- and un-diagnosed conditions.  In the beginning of my journey, when I was in my early thirties and my health issues first started to surface, the idea that I would have question marks left unanswered after seeing the doctor was foreign to me.  Physicians knew how to heal and how to fix, therefore my expectations were high.   Testing was performed, all appeared to be well except for a minor diagnosis that could be treated with an antibiotic.  My initial symptoms persisted and then the first big question came. . . Did they really know what was going on with me?  It was the first of many, many visits with many other physicians that would prove to only lead me with more—you guessed it—question marks.  I am grateful for modern medicine and the physicians who administer it, but the reality is that there is still much that many do not know or understand. 

Second, question marks come in the form of concern about and management of everyday symptoms.  Let me just say right off that for many of us, this can oftentimes lead to anxiety, anger and frustration, and a sense of helplessness.  With chronic illness, you may wake up every single day with big question marks that sound like the following:  Am I going to feel terrible today?  Will I have episodes of my condition today?  How bad will my symptoms be?  What can I do to ward off symptoms today?  Did I eat something/do something yesterday to exacerbate my illness today?  What will I be able/not be able to do today?  In addition to those more general uncertainties, there are many that are specific to situations that may arise in your personal journey.  For example, when your condition has been bad enough to constitute an emergency visit, you may wake up every day for a period time asking yourself, will I have to go to the ER again today?  When you are waiting for tests to be taken or results to be released, you may ask yourself, are the underlying answers just a nurse’s phone call away?  When the diagnosis is one that is not widely known, you may ask yourself, who will I ask for advice, and will my loved ones even believe/understand me?  The list of questions truly goes on and on as does the emotional and mental strain that accompanies them.  It can be and oftentimes, is, exhausting.

The last set of question marks that we will discuss today, although definitely not the last of the inexhaustive list that we deal with every day, revolve around our response to all of the above.  They sound like this:  How am I going to deal with my symptoms today?  What will I do to cope with my condition? Do I think I will be able to get through another week, month, or year like this?  HOW am I going to get through another week, month or year living with this chronic illness? I understand, dear friends, that these are deep and somewhat disturbing questions to read; however, they are reflective of sincere concerns sufferers have.  What we need to notice about these particular questions is that we are asking them either consciously or subconsciously.  In other words, our chronic illness has to be dealt with one way or the other.  If we fail to actively acknowledge these big questions, then we could find ourselves in a mental state of denial and/or a physical state of fight or flight survival mode that only exacerbates our condition.  Trust me, it’s better to put this group of questions directly to the table with a proactive act of acknowledgment and subsequent response.

Here’s what that might look like for you.  Chronic illness is presently a part of your journey, its symptoms are affecting you and the uncertainties surrounding it are a reality. Chin up!  There’s a second reality that you can embrace.   It’s that the gray is okay.  What?!?  I know, this sounds impossible.  But it is possible with the third reality:  that Christians suffering in and through chronic illness have all they need to cope with the unknown and to be okay with the gray.  Faith in who God is, how He is working in your journey and what He’s going to accomplish because of it is yours for the taking.  The coping comes in the hoping!   Peace in the middle of your storm is possible.  And it is possible every single day. I know this because God’s Word says it is. 

There’s more we could talk about but for today, I will leave you with (guess what?) a set of questions.  Take note, however, that these questions are the kind that can point you toward that place of coping and ultimately, to a place of real hope.  P.S. Starting a journal would be a fabulous first step!

• When you dig deep and get the heart of your thoughts/feelings/perspectives about your personal experience with chronic illness, what do you find?  Include the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly. It may be helpful to use one-word descriptors or short phrases in your responses.
• What do you do typically do with those responses?  Do you honestly acknowledge them?  Stuff them?  Give them over to God in prayer?  What could you do differently?
• What do you know about God’s character as shown in the Bible?  Reflect on His attributes.  How do you merge His attributes with your chronic illness experiences?  With your unknowns/your big questions?

Our chronic illnesses may seem like a never-ending path of big questions. But be encouraged by this truth: that in the middle of the gray, you can be okay.  I can be okay. We can be okay. When we place our illness and all of the unknowns in the loving, comforting, healing hands of God, we can and will experience His peace as we persevere through, one day at a time.

2 Corinthians 5: 7, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”